I'm Mad

I'm mad. 

I'm mad at sin.

I'm mad at what sin does to people. 

I'm mad at what it does to families, to friends, to churches, to communities. 

I'm mad at what sin has done to this world.

I'm mad at what sin has done to me.

I'm mad.

Because of sin we have distrust, destruction, disgust, divorce, disease, and death.

Because of sin we have pain, we have loss, we have grief.

Sin separates us from love.

It takes us away from those we love. 

Sin brings suffering, sadness, and sorrow. 

I hate sin.

And I'm mad.

BUT then I am reminded that...

Sin doesn't win!

Love does!

For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. John 3:16 (Amplified Bible)

Love brings hope.

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] John 16:33 (Amplified Bible)

Love brings life.

Jesus told him, “I am the Way—yes, and the Truth and the Life. No one can get to the Father except by means of me. John 14:6

Love brings joy.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Love brings peace.

Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. Psalm 46:10 
(Amplified Bible)

Love brings a future.

Don’t get lost in despair; believe in God, and keep on believing in Me. My Father’s home is designed to accommodate all of you. If there were not room for everyone, I would have told you that. I am going to make arrangements for your arrival. I will be there to greet you personally and welcome you home, where we will be together. John 14:1-3 (The Voice)

I'm still mad at sin.

But I'm thankful for LOVE.

I'm thankful for GOD.

I'm thankful for HOPE.

I'm thankful for a FUTURE. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that. Jeremiah 29:11 (The Voice)

And I am most thankful for an ETERNAL FUTURE where there is no sin!

He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever.” Revelation 21:4 (The Living Bible)

My Driving Lesson

After reading the article "Dear Religion, I Quit You!" by Bart Millard - it got me thinking about my  driving lesson:

When I was probably about 10 yrs old we had a stick shift car, and dad use to let me help switch gears when it was just me and him in the car (this was back when you could sit in the front seat as kid). Dad had to make a quick trip up to the Coast Guard Station and I got to go with him, as he switched gears in the old Toyota my hand was on top of his and I did it too. He parked in front of the office right outside the main gate, and left me in the car. I couldn't take my eyes off the gear shift. My curiosity got the best of me and I tried shifting the gear all by myself. What I didn't realize was that even though the car wasn't running, it could still move. I shifted the gear into reverse and the car, with me in it, started quickly rolling backwards to the main road of traffic. I was panicked and screaming, scared to death. I had no idea how to make it stop. Luckily a guy dad worked with came running out and jumped in and pulled the emergency brake in just seconds before we hit oncoming traffic. I was sobbing and shaking and thankful. I can't remember what my dad said to me on the way home, but I know it had to be one of the biggest lectures of my life. My dad doesn't loose his cool often, but when he does - you listen. I remember vaguely being told the dangers of cars, people, and the power a car has. Whatever was said that day - it stuck. That fear and experience stuck so well that it wasn't until I was 26 yrs old that I got my driver's license. 

Now, I had gotten my permit a few times - 3 in fact, but I could never get enough courage to really learn how to drive (or go over 15 miles an hour). I was so afraid of making a mistake, of doing the wrong thing - that I did nothing. Not until a friend of mine showed me unconditional grace. I had had many teachers, many people who tried to help me - but I either scared them to death, or frustrated them even more. I don't blame them - I was a pretty scary driver. After many tries and failures with others, a friend of mine said she could help. I warned her, I think even Edwin probably warned her, but she assured me it would be OK. I learned to drive in her green van. I remember giving her a very good reason why this was a bad idea, how I could dent her vehicle, or scratch it - to which she said it had so many dents one more wouldn't matter, or even a scratch. She was patient, and kind. She was really patient. We laughed a lot, I cried through every step - and she never gave me a hard time about it. 

As the weeks went by, my confidence began to grow, and I became a lot more comfortable behind the wheel. I was able to drive faster than 15 miles an hour, switch lanes (if I had to), and even back up (which I still hate doing). Though I was doing so much better, I was still freaking out about taking the test. I had studied the book, I had spent many evenings practicing the dreaded parallel parking, but the idea of the test still made my stomach churn in knots. One night while I was practicing my friend asked me what about the test scared me so much. I took a minute to think about it (and check my mirrors) and I said "What if I fail?". I didn't realize until that moment that the very idea of failing was stopping me from even trying. She said "If you fail it, you wait a day and take it again." What!? Take it again? You mean I get another chance? I had no idea that was possible. I guess in my mind - a "do-over" was never even an option. What an incredible sense of relief and peace overwhelmed me when I finally accepted the idea of a second chance. I was finally able to relax behind that wheel and finish my practicing knowing I didn't have to be perfect, I just had to do my best, and if I messed up - I could try again.

That was the day I was introduced to Grace. Grace was something I didn't have a lot of experience with. Being the oldest child, the first born, I was always hard on myself, overachiever, big goals, bigger dreams - and when I didn't meet those high standards I felt like a failure. I also considered myself pretty self-sufficient "I'll do it myself" - was a common phrase of mine. So being at a place of vulnerability, with this great fear of driving and failing - was a scary place to be for me. I expected no mercy, but that was not what I received. Spiritually I have to admit it broke me. Once Grace is introduced into your life, it begins to seep down to the deepest parts of your heart, reaching dark places that hadn't seen the light in a very long time. Though I had accepted Christ as my Savior at the age of 8, I had never accepted the Grace that came along with it. My walk as a Christian was exhausting, and fearful - I worried much, and rested little. Scared someone would see that I wasn't this "Super Christian", afraid I would fail at the next "test" I was given in life - and expose the true failure that I felt I was. 

Once I realized that God was not looking over the clouds of Heaven waiting for me to mess up so He could bonk me on my head with a giant mallet and use his giant pink eraser to permanently remove my name from the "Book of Life" - everything changed. Even though I had read my Bible, done the Sunday School lessons, and listened to the sermons - it took a vulnerable moment, and a loving friend to show me the beautiful, amazing, incredible Grace of God. I walked lighter, I held my head up higher, and I rested in God's love - not running from His Wrath. Something funny happens when you embrace the Grace of God, all the sudden you are able to give the Grace of God as well. Sin was still sin, and right was still right but covered in the Grace of God anything was possible and everyone had a second chance. 

By the way, I took my test on July 3rd, and passed by the skin of teeth (I sped up on a yellow light instead of slowing down). On July 4th I celebrated a new "Independence Day"- the freedom to drive - all by myself, and the freedom to walk in the Grace of God. Sure, I still get scared, and I am still my worst critic - but I am daily reminded of the amazing Grace of God and I am thankful His mercies are new every morning!

He Knows

This Easter season I wanted to share with you a song I wrote many years ago called, "He Knows".

I can't help but think that every person Jesus passed on that road to Golgotha he knew them. He didn't just know their name, or just their birthday, but he really, truly knew them. Every person he touched, every person he came in contact with. He saw their pain, their struggle, their hurt, their dark secrets. He saw them, and yet he loved them. He loved them all the way to the cross. He knows us too - and he loves us.

Below are the lyrics and the MP3 of this song. I hope that it speaks to you, and is a precious reminder that you are not alone.


He Knows Song - click here  

He Knows  Andrea C. Parker  He knows the pain you feel inside  The loneliness you hide  The tears you cried last night  He knows the emptiness and shame  The heartache, hurt, and pain  He knows, He knows  And though it seems you’re all alone  Your cries heard at the throne  Oh, He knows  Verse 2  He knows that you think you cannot win  That you’re overwhelmed with sin  That you’re messing up, again  He knows the bitterness you hold  That you heart is feeling cold  He knows, He knows  And though it seems you’re all alone  Your cries heard at the throne  Oh, He knows  When you call upon His name  He’ll take away your shame  Even carry all your pain  Oh, fall upon your knees  Call his name and you will see  That you can be set free  And when you call upon His name  He’ll take away your shame  Even carry all pain  Oh, fall upon your knees  Call his name and you will see  That you can be set free  He knows  He knows  He knows

2 years Later

Despite all my emotions, I will believe and praise the One 

who saves me and is my life. 

Psalm 42:5

Today is a hard day. 

I won't lie. 

Emotions get the best of me at the oddest moments. 

Looking back I have learned some hard lessons, and some good ones too.

I have experienced heart-wrenching pain that made me want to throw up and give up. 

Moments of such anger I could have punched a hole through a wall.  

Such sadness I never thought I would be able to cry again. 

The people I thought would be there - weren't. 

The people I never imagined would be - were. 

I had no idea how much I was loved by those around me - til then.

And I had no idea how selfish people could be when you are grieving, until then. 

I saw some of the most beautiful moments of God's love, grace, peace, and kindness. 

I also saw some of the most ugly, hurtful, and painful moments of humanity. 

Death doesn't always make sense.

And neither does the way we deal with it.  

One day I hope to look back on this tragedy and remember only the sweet moments.

The amazing people that held me up, that held my family up. 

People that reached out far and near. 

People that held my hand.

Hugged my neck.

Sent a card.

Made a phone call. 

People who expected nothing from me but grief.

People who listened to me cry.  

Who gave me permission to not smile.

People who didn't walk away from me - but towards me.

Even when they didn't know what to say or do. 

I ask God everyday to heal my heart. 

I ask God to help me forgive myself.

I ask God to help me forgive others. 

2 years later - I still don't understand.

2 years later and I still miss Ashley. 

2 years later and I still have lots of regrets. 

2 years later and I still grieve. 

2 years later and God is still God.

2 years later and the sun still shines.

2 years later and the rain still falls.

2 years later and my faith is strong.

Because God is still God. 

And in the end that is all that matters. 

What Robin Williams Taught Me About Faith

When my oldest daughter was 4 and 5 years old Peter Pan was her hero. We probably watched Peter Pan at least 100 times in that time, back when videos were still the "in" thing. She never tired of watching Peter, and Wendy, Tinker Bell, the Lost Boys, and Captain Hook over and over again. We went to Disney World when she was 4 yrs old and she finally got to me Peter Pan in person. She was excited, and nervous, and thrilled, and embarrassed (especially when he kissed her on the cheek). It was a very special moment for this little girl who did "believe in fairies" and Neverland. I sometimes envied that child-like-faith. Camille is now almost 14 yrs old, and she still likes the story of Peter Pan and is now sharing that with our youngest Liam who is just about to turn 3 yrs old. But that innocent mesmerized magic of the Disney animated story, has now been replaced with a more realistic, practical understanding of just a sweet story.

We recently watched the movie "Hooked" - a more grown-up tale of Peter Pan, played by Robin Williams, and Julia Roberts as Tinker Bell. Peter Pan is all grown up, and he's gotten married, has two kids of his own, and a very stressful job. He also has all the cares and burdens of a forty year old father, and husband. When Captain Hook kidnaps Peter's kids Peter has to go back to Neverland and get them. The problem is Peter has forgotten about Neverland, about Captain Hook, Tinker Bell, Fairy Dust, and "Happy Thoughts". He is the "lost man" in Neverland. The Lost Boys and Tinker Bell work tirerlessly to teach him how to believe again, to help him believe again - but they knew that unless Peter chooses to believe - he will never be able to fight Captain Hook and get his children.

There's a scene in the movie where the Lost Boys and Peter Pan are sitting down to a giant table to eat. Everyone is starved and the Lost Boys are making comments about how great everything looks and smells. But all Peter sees is an empty table. The Boys start digging, reaching over each other, filling their plates, chomping down. But all Peter sees are empty plates, empty hands, and nothing to eat. It becomes quickly apparent that because Peter doesn't "believe" - he can't eat. He can't see the bounty of overflowing foods, or smell the aromas of pies and desserts. Peter becomes quickly frustrated and even more hungry. The new Lost Boys' leader (Rufio) starts a "war of words", (pretty much a 10 year old's name calling battle) - and Peter Pan was losing. Finally out of desperation, frustration, and the encouragement of the Boys around him - Peter finds his "inner child". He wins the name calling battle, bringing the whole group to laughter - including Peter Pan. At that moment Peter looks around and sees a table covered in brightly colored foods, satisfying smells, the world of Neverland has come alive once again to Peter Pan - he finally believed. He had let go of the practical, of all he thought he knew - and just believed. 

As I sat there watching this scene with my kids I was struck by my Bible study earlier that day. I'm not sure I have ever had such a spiritual experience with a television show. God was speaking to my very soul - "See that table, my table is bigger, and my blessings overflow. See the bounty before them - mine is greater, and more beautiful. But without faith, as a child, you can't see it. Instead you hunger and you thirst, and go away hungry and frustrated. If you would only just trust, and believe - your eyes would be open to all I have set before you. I love you, and have only the best for you - good gifts, but you have to let go of the practical, and believe in the miracle. Faith to see the unseen." Tears fell from eyes, as Robin Williams had a food fight with a bunch of children. Wow God! Wow. Scripture came alive off the page as it flooded back to mind:

This is the truth: unless you change and become like little children, 

you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 

Matthew 18:3

Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, 

the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen. 

Hebrews 11:1

Just ask and it will be given to you; seek after it and you will find. 

Continue to knock and the door will be opened for you. 

All who ask receive. Those who seek, find what they seek. 

And he who knocks, will have the door opened.

 Think of it this way: if your son asked you for bread, would you give him a stone? 

Of course not—you would give him a loaf of bread. 

If your son asked for a fish, would you give him a snake? 

No, to be sure, you would give him a fish—the best fish you could find. 

So if you, who are sinful, know how to give your children good gifts, 

how much more so does your Father in heaven, 

who is perfect, know how to give great gifts to His children! 

Matthew 7:7-11

My faith was challenged, my heart convicted, and my soul overwhelmed with the love of God - there in my living room watching "Hook" with my kids. I wondered what I had been missing, what joy and peace I had pushed away trying to be the "grownup". Oh God, what bounty you have for those who just trust and believe - our tables are not empty - we just can't see. I don't want to sit at an empty table, I don't want to be so right - that I'm wrong. God give me eyes of a child, and faith to believe. Replace my worry with joy, and my fear with faith. Give me "happy thoughts" so I can soar on wings of eagles - and never be lost again. 

I tell you this: if you had even a faint spark of faith, 

even faith as tiny as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 

“Move from here to there,” and because of your faith, the mountain would move. 

If you had just a sliver of faith, you would find nothing impossible. 

Matthew 17:20

March - my least favorite month of the year

Ugh! I watched the calendar and I knew that it was coming, I tried to prepare myself - thinking it wouldn't be so hard this time… and yet - it is.

Years ago, I never looked at the calendar with dislike - not even when my birthday came around. I looked forward to each new day, and new month, like a new challenge ahead. Now, that's all changed.    
March has become quite the dreaded month, in fact you could say it is my absolute least favorite month of all year. On March 31st, it will be 2 years - 2 years since my brother, Ashley, died. Two years of heartache, loss, pain, grief and despair. Two years of watching my family fall apart, my parents age overnight, and for me a battle of fear, anxiety, and depression. March 31st is a day I don't want to face, and yet internally it counts down inside my heart.

Unexpected death rocks your world, it shatters everything you thought you knew - and requires you to pick it up and figure out how it all fits together again. When your kid brother, who is 29 yrs old, passes away you just don't know how to process that. This baby of the family, who you thought you would see again - talk to again - is gone…. it's just something too hard to comprehend. Grief is a process, you don't get over it overnight, or even in 2 years, or even 20 years - you learn how to live through it - not get over it.

For me, March has now become a month of regret. I wish I had called Ashley more, made a trip down to Florida to see him - hugged his neck a thousand more times. I look at the 30 days before his death and see all the missed opportunities to just let him know how much I loved him. I struggle hard to remember his laugh, his smile, his jesters and phrases. I think about all the things I put between us, reasons why we couldn't get together and things I thought were so important at the time - and now see how worthless it all was - compared to one more time to see him. I kick myself a million times for not picking up the phone and calling him more - all I have left is a text. Why wasn't he worth a phone call that day?

Oh, I could wade in the waters of regret until I drown. I could keep walking into the sea of sorrow until I'm completely under - but I can't. I can't live in the past of "What if's" and "Whys?" I can't go deep in the dark murkiness of "words not said" and "things not done". I can't stop living because my brother is gone. Because - my purpose here on earth is not finished, even though Ashely's is. Wow, that hurt to say that - brings tears to my eyes, but I know it is true. For some reason unknown to me, one I may never understand - my brother's time here on earth is over. His life began on May 14, 1982 and ended on March 31, 2012. Ashley lived 29 years, 10 months, and 18 days, a total of 10,915 days.

Only God knows why his days were shorter than mine, and though I wish they were 10 thousand more - there aren't. I can't change that, and I can't change what happened 30 days before he died, 30 hours, or 30 minutes. What I can change is the way I live however, the days I have left. Though this world is not my home, it is where I am now - and my purpose is not finished here. As I trusted God with my pain and sorrow those first moments of finding out, and those first hours, and days, I still must trust God with everyday. As hard as some days are to face, it is one more day God has given me with my family, and loved ones around. There is still a purpose for me here - and I must not waste that - especially now, seeing how precious time is.

March is still hard. I will admit it. I am not Superwoman or Super-saint. I struggle, I cry. Grief is tough. Loss is tough. I envy those who handle it better than me. I wish I could be stronger some days. I feel like I should apologize ahead of time, in case my demeanor isn't quite up to par. But I have learned that weakness is not shame - it's surrender to the ONE who is stronger. I am not sure I would be able to function at all if not for God and the way He has carried me through these last few years.

My family would appreciate your prayers - this month weights heavy on all our hearts, and prayer lifts up that cloud of pain.

Let me also say - that you don't upset someone when you mention their loss. Sometimes when you are in a tunnel of grief it feels like everyone around you has forgotten and moved on. So it's OK to mention the name of their loved one gone, it's OK to send them a card, it's OK to give them a call. Just grab their hand and say - I know this month is hard for you - and I'm praying for you. You don't have to act like you understand all they are going through - but just letting them know they are not ALONE - makes a HUGE difference. Be the hands and feet of Jesus - don't wait for someone else to be.

 Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; 

help us to spend them as we should. 

Psalm 90:12 TLB

Soooo It's Time to be Honest

For awhile now I have felt like God has been really quiet. I was praying, I was reading but I wasn't really hearing much of anything. I don't like a lot of silence, especially from my creator. So I felt like I needed to change things up a little - and see if I could get a "better connection". So I started drinking coffee. Not because I actually like coffee (or that was the key to Jesus), but because I am getting up at 5am and need the coffee so that I can stay up and awake at that hour. I've been trying to condition myself to become a "morning person" - which is not an easy task - but I knew it was important. So, I've been setting the alarm and forcing myself up just to spend about 30-45 mins alone - just me, and Jesus, and a cup of coffee (with a lot of flavored creamer). 

The Bible says "if you seek me you will find me", and that is true - but be careful what you ask for. As I've started this new routine, it's been a challenge on my physically but more on me spiritually. God started really shining some bright spotlights on some dark places, I have to say I didn't like it. But friends, we don't always have to like it - especially if we need it. 

Soooooo - it's time to be honest. I have been chewing and stewing on a few things lately - wounds of the heart.  I put my heart out there for the world to stomp on, my feelings were hurt, my spirit crushed. I felt stupid, and angry, and foolish - wondering how I could let it happen, again. What I should have done was take to the feet of Jesus and leave it there. But, I didn't. What I did was cried about it to Jesus, I whined about to Jesus - and I let him know just how I felt about it - but then I picked it all back up and kept stewing. 

See, I felt very justified in my hurt, and frustration - very justified in my pain. I was the victim, and I wasn't ready to let it go. I wanted justice, restitution, the right to be wronged, I wanted the truth to be told! In my great and mighty wisdom I felt I needed to hold onto to it - to make sure it was taken care of. I mean if I leave it with Jesus - all he's going to want me to do is forgive and move on - and where's the justice in that? (told you I was going to be honest here)

The problem with holding onto pain, and hurt, and injustice is that it just turns to bitterness. It's not like you want it to, or you even know it is. It's like a weed that starts to grow and then take over, a vine that wraps itself around your very heart and turns it cold. As my heart grew colder, I did what anyone does - I bundled up - protecting myself with layers, and creating more and more distance from the people around me. It's a lonely place to be and it's exhausting. 

As God exposed my heart, He also showed me how my wounded heart, was hurting others too. I was so defensive, my words were sharp and quick. My reactions had become defensive, so worried about being hurt again - I would try to shut down or shut people out. I was making assumptions and questioning everyone's motives. My poor family was receiving the brunt of it all, hurting the ones I loved the most. 

God started bringing me to some scriptures like these one:

If you put yourself on a pedestal, thinking you have become a role model in all things religious, but you can’t control your mouth, then think again. Your mouth exposes your heart, and your religion is useless. James 1:26

But the things that come out of your mouth—your curses, your fears, your denunciations—these come from your heart, and it is the stirrings of your heart that can make you unclean. Matthew 15:18

I was now hearing from God loud and clear at our 5am coffee meetings, but now I just wanted to turn down the volume. One particular day, I heard Matthew 15:18 from two different radio programs that I just tuned into for a min, it was in my reading for the morning, and later from a conversation. I wanted to scream up to heaven "OK! OK! I GOT IT!" 

The great thing about God is that he doesn't just expose things and walk away for you to figure out how to handle them, He stays right there - from the pre-op, to surgery, to recovery, and even the physical therapy afterwards. He NEVER leaves us alone to deal with things - even things we got ourselves into. As I started truly laying down my hurts at His feet, he replaced those hurts with His word. With new eyes, and a melted heart - I was able to see scripture in new way. He has changed my mourning into dancing - the weeping night is gone and the joyous morning has come.

My words have become His words. I feel like my conversations are sweeter, and not so rough around the edges. The stressful mornings of getting kids out the door for school, have become easier. There's laughter in the house before 9am, instead of tears. Instead of giving my not so great wisdom or advice with the kids I find myself sharing scripture, or an example from the Bible. Those 5am mornings have become easier to get up to (some days are still hard), but now 30-45mins doesn't seem like enough time with the Lord. I am thankful He didn't give up on me, and I am so thankful for His life changing word! 

Is life still unfair? YOU BET! Do I still want justice? Or even an apology? Sure! Who doesn't? But is it worth my heart? Is it worth my relationships with family and friends? Is holding onto things I couldn't control worth God's silence? NO! 
*Let me say that God had never stop talking - I had just built such a big wall of hurt, and pain, and disappointment that I couldn't hear Him. 

This scripture has become my daily prayer - (OK - sometimes my hourly prayer) 

May the words that come out of my mouth and the musings of my heart meet with Your gracious approval, O Eternal, my Rock, O Eternal, my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Is everyday perfect? OH MY GOODNESS NO WAY! Not even on a good day, are all the moments right. I still have so much to learn, and so much to keep working on - it's a life in progress (THANK YOU GOD!). I will say I try to shut up faster, and apologize quicker, and let it go more often.

This commandment that I’m commanding you today isn’t too much for you, it’s not out of your reach. It’s not on a high mountain—you don’t have to get mountaineers to climb the peak and bring it down to your level and explain it before you can live it. And it’s not across the ocean—you don’t have to send sailors out to get it, bring it back, and then explain it before you can live it. No. The word is right here and now—as near as the tongue in your mouth, as near as the heart in your chest. Just do it! Deuteronomy 30:14 (The Message Bible)

Dear Facebook Friend

Dear Facebook Friend,

I saw your post again today. It made me sad. I know we haven't spoken in years, and not really much at all online. The last time we saw each other we thought we knew it all. Young adults with only dreams in front of us, and lots of time. But the years have gone by, and though I don't know all you've been through - and I can't imagine to pretend I understand - I see that more than time has changed you.

I remember when we would sing together, lifting our voices in praise to God. Many tears we shared, and prayers. I watched you, so many times envious of your strength and your faith. Together we saw lives changed, we saw God move. I know you remember - those things you can't forget. So when I see your pictures of your nights on the town, drinks in hand, eyes glazed over, and tired. I wonder what happened in those years since then. What changed, that now you are chasing a different plan.

Please don't get me wrong I don't look at you with pity, or shake my head in judgement. Oh, Friend, life is hard. These years in between have not been easy. Though our lives have taken different paths - my road is littered with regrets, and mistakes. I carry the bruises of the many slips and falls along the way. Even as I write this my life is not perfect! Honestly, I'm a mess most days - sometimes before my feet even hit the floor. But somehow, for some reason, God's grace and His mercy keep bringing me back, and I'm thankful.

I look back on those years we knew each other, life, and ministry, and church - and I am ashamed. Ashamed for being so "super spiritual", for not being real. I struggled then with things, inner battles, and pain - that I felt I couldn't share, even with friends. Because I thought if I was weak it meant I didn't know Jesus enough. But in all truth - when I am weak, that is when I know Jesus the most. Friend, I was wrong - and I'm sorry. I can only hope and pray that someday you will forgive me for my arrogance, and selfishness, and pride. What a fool I was to waste such a precious time more concerned about what people thought of me!

When someone's life is falling a part - there are some people who stand around and watch it burn. These people stand there and pass judgement, speculate why this happened, or take credit for knowing it was going to happen. Then there are people who walk away, it's too hard for them - they don't want to get involved, they don't know what to do - so they do nothing. And then there are the people that go running into the burning building - willing to get dirty, willing to get burned themselves, because their concern for that friend is greater than their concern for themselves, or others. I use to be the spectator, or even the one who walked away… but NO MORE!

Friend, I want you to know that I running in for you. Every time I see a post from you on my newsfeed I pray. I count it a privilege, an honor, that I have another chance to be the kind of friend I should have been so many years ago. I don't want to preach to you - you know the truth. My prayer for you is peace, abundant life - and joy that fills up the empty places. I pray that God protects you, and blesses you - shows you every day just how much He loves and cares for you. I want you to know you are not alone! And in those moments of dark doubt, when sleep won't come and too many thoughts do - that God brings light to your darkness and mercy to your pain.

Friend, I love you. I'm so glad that we could find each other on Facebook. I selfishly pray that we get to meet again in person, and I can tell you, in person, just how much you mean to me!

Your Facebook Friend,

Andrea

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus came that we may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance, to the full, till it overflows. John 10:10

Lessons learned from 2013

Last year I must admit at this time I was scared of 2013. Though we had a new place to live, a new job, and a new town - all I could remember is how bad 2012 was. A year full of unexpected loss, change, and upside down reason. I honestly just asked God to help me get through 2013 "OK". I kinda feel like I walked into 2013 with one eye open, hands out in front of me, slowly feeling my way around - just not wanting to trip or fall over. God knew my trepidation and wounded heart, and just poured out a year of blessing, mercy, healing, and rest - all of which I desperately needed. 

This year I've learned that God is faithful. Despite circumstances, man, and even my own choices - God is still faithful. He will never fail me, always keep His word - and His promises. When I truly trust Him, the world could crumble in around me, and I will still be OK. 

I've learned that God directs your path in ways you cannot understand - but there is always purpose and reason behind what He does. In the past couple of years I have seen God "connect-the-dots" of some people in our lives in life changing ways. Old friends from the past that have come back into our lives at just the right time - in just the right way. Just amazed and in awe of God's timing - it is always perfect - no doubt about it.

I've learned that grief is not something you can just "get over". Loss is painful, it's traumatic, and it can change you for the better or the worse. You can't ignore it, you can't push your way through it - you must walk through it and deal with it - so you can heal. Grief can be ugly and make you face some very ugly things about yourself and others, but it can also be beautiful and can open up your eyes to a whole new realm of beauty in the world. 

I've learned that forgiveness is a process, that requires a lot of letting go. Wounds that cut deep require the Great Physician. Only God can heal that kind of paralyzing pain. Forgiving does not mean you excuse behavior - it means you choose to heal instead of hurt. 

I've learned that God isn't finished with me yet. That even though I a mess inside and out, have a thousand things to work on, I fail, and pretty much trip over my own two feet daily - God still has a plan for my life. As long as I have breath to breathe, I am needed on this earth. 

I've learned that hope is a beautiful and a scary thing. Allowing myself to look forward, to hope again and to dream again is a pretty terrifying and exciting thing at the same time. 2014 comes with lots of anticipation, ideas, and faith that with God in control - I can face whatever comes my way. I'm walking into 2014 with eyes open - I don't want to miss a thing! 

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14

Hope and a Boat

Christmas and hope seem to go together. There is a sense of anticipation, children hoping for that special gift under the tree, parents hoping for that holiday bonus. Others are looking forward to vacation time, or maybe family coming into town. Even the nativity story is full of hope and excitement. This season there are a few more smiles, cheery music, and people seem to go out of their way to do something nice for someone else. Or at least that's what the Hallmark movie tells us (btw I have nothing against Hallmark Christmas movies). 

Now imagine you are in a sailboat in the middle of the ocean, the wind is quiet, the water is still. It's dark, clouds cover the moon only allowing a little light at a time. You are alone on this boat, not another boat or person in sight - adrift at sea. You've tried to raise the sails, you've tried to row your way to shore, you've yelled for help so long you've lost your voice. You've given up on being rescued.  You're exhausted, and all you see around you is a sea of impossibility. You sit there waiting to die, surviving only by the will of life - the very sound of silence is becoming too loud. That is a picture of lost hope - and I've been there. At times it didn't even seem like I was in a boat, more like I was just treading water, wondering when my legs would give out. The idea of just sinking into the abyss becomes more and more attractive and feels like the only way I would ever find rest. It's a scary place to loose hope, but it does happen - and sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep "surviving" you just can't keep it up anymore. When you are in that place you could be in a room surrounded by a hundred people, and yet you feel all alone.

As a Christian it's a hard place to be. You not only are suffering from this hopelessness that feels like it's swallowing you alive - but you are wrestling with the guilt of what all your Christian friends are saying. Like Job's friends who had an answer for all of Job's suffering. You are questioning everything - your salvation, God's existence, your purpose, your very reason for being alive. Some people around you look down at you - tell you to have "more faith" - others wonder (some out loud) what sin you won't let go of.  The weight of guilt and regret weighs you down - and nothing seems fair. 

Whatever the reason for you being in this place, you need to know that you are not a "bad" person for being there, and you are not the only one that has been there. Too many plastic faces and painted smiles have given this false reality that everything and everyone is "fine" - when the truth is they are not. How can we live in a fallen world, surrounded by tragedy and pain and all be "fine"? We all struggle with stuff - and sometimes that stuff becomes so great that it knocks the very wind out of our sails. 

Let me tell you right now YOU ARE NOT ALONE! No matter how far you feel, how empty and lost, how dark the sky - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Jesus was in the boat with the disciples - and HE IS WITH YOU TOO! And if you could see through the dark and the fog you would see so many others in their own boats drifting too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So here's some things I want to share with you about how I battle this. I don't claim that these are the be all end all answers - but I will tell you they have helped me. 

1) Don't be afraid to ask for help
 This means you have to admit you need help and I know that is hard to do. I am all about "doing it myself" since I was probably three years old. But this you cannot do alone. Go see your doctor, sit down and just share what you're feeling. If you can't do it - ask a friend to go with you. Other people around us see a lot more than we do about ourselves, and a good friend will be a true mirror and tell you what they really see. Your doctor is a good place to start.

2) Start talking 
Find a counselor, preferably a Christian counselor - there are low cost and sometimes free offices, don't let $ be the deciding factor. Sometimes even your insurance will help pay the cost. You need to find someone who is a professional you can just unload on without any question of repercussion or judgement. Call a church, ask if they have counseling - if you aren't sure where to start. This is important for your wellbeing - silence makes it worse.

3) Pray
Yep - I went there. How do you pray when you feel like no one is listening? Or you're pretty mad at God right now for where you are at? Just do it. Praying isn't about be eloquent, or fancy, or even really having to make sense. Praying is communicating - and if right now the only way you can communicate is yelling - then do it. God can handle it - He can take it. What if you haven't spoken to Him in years? Doesn't matter. God has been sitting by the phone waiting for you to call since the day you hung up. He hasn't changed His number and He's not going anywhere. If you can't talk, then write it. Just like you'd write a letter - either hand written or type on the computer. He's waiting, and He's listening. 

4)Soak in the Word
God's word is powerful. It speaks to a place so deep we sometimes aren't even aware it's there - until we need it again. Read the Psalms - but find a more contemporary translation like "The Message", or the "The Voice". These newer more modern translation just bring the Psalms to a more conversational perspective. David's complaints, his praises, and his woes seem very relatable. I'm not saying these are the only version to ever read - I'm just saying find a translation that helps you. What if you reading is too hard right now? Then listen to the audio - play it while you are sleeping, or doing housework, driving - working on something. Here's a great Bible website I use that has a ton of translations and audio http://www.biblegateway.com  God's word will revive your worn out heart, and it will seep down into those dark places. And when that one verse leaps out at you - write it down- post it on your wall. Hold on to those promises - because God's word does not return void! Moses, David, Samuel all reminded God of what His word said - and you can do that too. When you start to feel like there is NO future - you go back and read Jeremiah 29:11 - God promises you a HOPE and a FUTURE! 

5)Don't isolate yourself 
It's so easy to become a hermit, to think that you don't want to burden others with your sadness. You don't feel very sociable, so what's the point? The Bible says Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18. We need each other, for encouragement, for accountability, for help. When Saul went after David he ran and hid in the caves, but God didn't let him be there alone. He sent others that were "outcasts" - and they found a way to help each other. Remember that we are all broken - some are just better at hiding it than others. 

6)Play uplifting music
When I'm down it's amazing what a difference some uplifting music can do to help me. I'm partial to Christian music - because of the truth of Christ, and the hope of the scriptures. I don't recommend country, it tends to drag me down - all the heartbreaking, losing your truck, your dog, your wife. Even if you don't feel like singing, or listening - or you just want to crawl in bed, pull the covers over your head and sleep the day away - play music. It's funny how much we soak in without even knowing.  Here's a great song that speak truth and hope 

7)Don't be afraid to dream
When you experience uncontrollable circumstances that knock you off your feet - it's hard to stand up again. Even when you do finally stand you don't quite trust your footing anymore. You are kinda waiting for the next earthquake, with one eye shut - bracing yourself for the next "bad thing". It's hard to look forward when you're so busy just trying to remember to breathe. But without a future we have no direction, no reason to keep going. I will admit it is scary to dream again - it is scary to put a little hope into an unknown future, especially when you realize how quickly life can change. But you have a God who loves you, and as Hebrews 13:8 says "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Though your circumstances may change - GOD WILL NOT. Set little goals, maybe just a few things for the day or the week - with a reward at the end. Something to look forward to creates hope and though hope is scary, we need hope! "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12a 

8)Help someone else
I know this seems like an impossible task. That getting up some days is a challenge -and getting dressed and showered that day is a feat on its own. But I'm not asking you to lead a Bible study or go adopt ten children from Africa - helping someone doesn't have to be that big. Maybe it's just taking the shopping cart back for that mom struggling with her toddler and groceries, or maybe it's sending a card to someone you know who lost a loved one - and just saying "I understand". Maybe it's holding the door for the widow, or smiling at the tired bank teller, or maybe just paying for the car behind you in the drive-thru window. When you help someone else it puts a crack in those dark clouds, gives a little wind to those sails. It doesn't have to be much, but as you start to look outside yourself - you will begin to heal. 

I wish I could say it will all be OK - but I can't. Or that one day you will wake up and it will all be better-but I can't. I do want you to know that even if you can't see the shoreline - it's there. Somedays will be great, and some not. It's a daily challenge to fix your mind on the right things: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8

If you need prayer - I will pray for you! Prayer is powerful and we need each other to pray. I need your prayers! In fact I covet them! This world is too hard to walk alone, and no matter where you are we can pray for each other! 

Friend, please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE - THERE IS HOPE - and as long as you have breath in your lungs - GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU here on earth. Hold on - the wind will blow again, and your boat will move again! 

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For theLord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9