I'm Mad

I'm mad. 

I'm mad at sin.

I'm mad at what sin does to people. 

I'm mad at what it does to families, to friends, to churches, to communities. 

I'm mad at what sin has done to this world.

I'm mad at what sin has done to me.

I'm mad.

Because of sin we have distrust, destruction, disgust, divorce, disease, and death.

Because of sin we have pain, we have loss, we have grief.

Sin separates us from love.

It takes us away from those we love. 

Sin brings suffering, sadness, and sorrow. 

I hate sin.

And I'm mad.

BUT then I am reminded that...

Sin doesn't win!

Love does!

For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. John 3:16 (Amplified Bible)

Love brings hope.

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] John 16:33 (Amplified Bible)

Love brings life.

Jesus told him, “I am the Way—yes, and the Truth and the Life. No one can get to the Father except by means of me. John 14:6

Love brings joy.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Love brings peace.

Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. Psalm 46:10 
(Amplified Bible)

Love brings a future.

Don’t get lost in despair; believe in God, and keep on believing in Me. My Father’s home is designed to accommodate all of you. If there were not room for everyone, I would have told you that. I am going to make arrangements for your arrival. I will be there to greet you personally and welcome you home, where we will be together. John 14:1-3 (The Voice)

I'm still mad at sin.

But I'm thankful for LOVE.

I'm thankful for GOD.

I'm thankful for HOPE.

I'm thankful for a FUTURE. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that. Jeremiah 29:11 (The Voice)

And I am most thankful for an ETERNAL FUTURE where there is no sin!

He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever.” Revelation 21:4 (The Living Bible)

2 years Later

Despite all my emotions, I will believe and praise the One 

who saves me and is my life. 

Psalm 42:5

Today is a hard day. 

I won't lie. 

Emotions get the best of me at the oddest moments. 

Looking back I have learned some hard lessons, and some good ones too.

I have experienced heart-wrenching pain that made me want to throw up and give up. 

Moments of such anger I could have punched a hole through a wall.  

Such sadness I never thought I would be able to cry again. 

The people I thought would be there - weren't. 

The people I never imagined would be - were. 

I had no idea how much I was loved by those around me - til then.

And I had no idea how selfish people could be when you are grieving, until then. 

I saw some of the most beautiful moments of God's love, grace, peace, and kindness. 

I also saw some of the most ugly, hurtful, and painful moments of humanity. 

Death doesn't always make sense.

And neither does the way we deal with it.  

One day I hope to look back on this tragedy and remember only the sweet moments.

The amazing people that held me up, that held my family up. 

People that reached out far and near. 

People that held my hand.

Hugged my neck.

Sent a card.

Made a phone call. 

People who expected nothing from me but grief.

People who listened to me cry.  

Who gave me permission to not smile.

People who didn't walk away from me - but towards me.

Even when they didn't know what to say or do. 

I ask God everyday to heal my heart. 

I ask God to help me forgive myself.

I ask God to help me forgive others. 

2 years later - I still don't understand.

2 years later and I still miss Ashley. 

2 years later and I still have lots of regrets. 

2 years later and I still grieve. 

2 years later and God is still God.

2 years later and the sun still shines.

2 years later and the rain still falls.

2 years later and my faith is strong.

Because God is still God. 

And in the end that is all that matters. 

March - my least favorite month of the year

Ugh! I watched the calendar and I knew that it was coming, I tried to prepare myself - thinking it wouldn't be so hard this time… and yet - it is.

Years ago, I never looked at the calendar with dislike - not even when my birthday came around. I looked forward to each new day, and new month, like a new challenge ahead. Now, that's all changed.    
March has become quite the dreaded month, in fact you could say it is my absolute least favorite month of all year. On March 31st, it will be 2 years - 2 years since my brother, Ashley, died. Two years of heartache, loss, pain, grief and despair. Two years of watching my family fall apart, my parents age overnight, and for me a battle of fear, anxiety, and depression. March 31st is a day I don't want to face, and yet internally it counts down inside my heart.

Unexpected death rocks your world, it shatters everything you thought you knew - and requires you to pick it up and figure out how it all fits together again. When your kid brother, who is 29 yrs old, passes away you just don't know how to process that. This baby of the family, who you thought you would see again - talk to again - is gone…. it's just something too hard to comprehend. Grief is a process, you don't get over it overnight, or even in 2 years, or even 20 years - you learn how to live through it - not get over it.

For me, March has now become a month of regret. I wish I had called Ashley more, made a trip down to Florida to see him - hugged his neck a thousand more times. I look at the 30 days before his death and see all the missed opportunities to just let him know how much I loved him. I struggle hard to remember his laugh, his smile, his jesters and phrases. I think about all the things I put between us, reasons why we couldn't get together and things I thought were so important at the time - and now see how worthless it all was - compared to one more time to see him. I kick myself a million times for not picking up the phone and calling him more - all I have left is a text. Why wasn't he worth a phone call that day?

Oh, I could wade in the waters of regret until I drown. I could keep walking into the sea of sorrow until I'm completely under - but I can't. I can't live in the past of "What if's" and "Whys?" I can't go deep in the dark murkiness of "words not said" and "things not done". I can't stop living because my brother is gone. Because - my purpose here on earth is not finished, even though Ashely's is. Wow, that hurt to say that - brings tears to my eyes, but I know it is true. For some reason unknown to me, one I may never understand - my brother's time here on earth is over. His life began on May 14, 1982 and ended on March 31, 2012. Ashley lived 29 years, 10 months, and 18 days, a total of 10,915 days.

Only God knows why his days were shorter than mine, and though I wish they were 10 thousand more - there aren't. I can't change that, and I can't change what happened 30 days before he died, 30 hours, or 30 minutes. What I can change is the way I live however, the days I have left. Though this world is not my home, it is where I am now - and my purpose is not finished here. As I trusted God with my pain and sorrow those first moments of finding out, and those first hours, and days, I still must trust God with everyday. As hard as some days are to face, it is one more day God has given me with my family, and loved ones around. There is still a purpose for me here - and I must not waste that - especially now, seeing how precious time is.

March is still hard. I will admit it. I am not Superwoman or Super-saint. I struggle, I cry. Grief is tough. Loss is tough. I envy those who handle it better than me. I wish I could be stronger some days. I feel like I should apologize ahead of time, in case my demeanor isn't quite up to par. But I have learned that weakness is not shame - it's surrender to the ONE who is stronger. I am not sure I would be able to function at all if not for God and the way He has carried me through these last few years.

My family would appreciate your prayers - this month weights heavy on all our hearts, and prayer lifts up that cloud of pain.

Let me also say - that you don't upset someone when you mention their loss. Sometimes when you are in a tunnel of grief it feels like everyone around you has forgotten and moved on. So it's OK to mention the name of their loved one gone, it's OK to send them a card, it's OK to give them a call. Just grab their hand and say - I know this month is hard for you - and I'm praying for you. You don't have to act like you understand all they are going through - but just letting them know they are not ALONE - makes a HUGE difference. Be the hands and feet of Jesus - don't wait for someone else to be.

 Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; 

help us to spend them as we should. 

Psalm 90:12 TLB

Soooo It's Time to be Honest

For awhile now I have felt like God has been really quiet. I was praying, I was reading but I wasn't really hearing much of anything. I don't like a lot of silence, especially from my creator. So I felt like I needed to change things up a little - and see if I could get a "better connection". So I started drinking coffee. Not because I actually like coffee (or that was the key to Jesus), but because I am getting up at 5am and need the coffee so that I can stay up and awake at that hour. I've been trying to condition myself to become a "morning person" - which is not an easy task - but I knew it was important. So, I've been setting the alarm and forcing myself up just to spend about 30-45 mins alone - just me, and Jesus, and a cup of coffee (with a lot of flavored creamer). 

The Bible says "if you seek me you will find me", and that is true - but be careful what you ask for. As I've started this new routine, it's been a challenge on my physically but more on me spiritually. God started really shining some bright spotlights on some dark places, I have to say I didn't like it. But friends, we don't always have to like it - especially if we need it. 

Soooooo - it's time to be honest. I have been chewing and stewing on a few things lately - wounds of the heart.  I put my heart out there for the world to stomp on, my feelings were hurt, my spirit crushed. I felt stupid, and angry, and foolish - wondering how I could let it happen, again. What I should have done was take to the feet of Jesus and leave it there. But, I didn't. What I did was cried about it to Jesus, I whined about to Jesus - and I let him know just how I felt about it - but then I picked it all back up and kept stewing. 

See, I felt very justified in my hurt, and frustration - very justified in my pain. I was the victim, and I wasn't ready to let it go. I wanted justice, restitution, the right to be wronged, I wanted the truth to be told! In my great and mighty wisdom I felt I needed to hold onto to it - to make sure it was taken care of. I mean if I leave it with Jesus - all he's going to want me to do is forgive and move on - and where's the justice in that? (told you I was going to be honest here)

The problem with holding onto pain, and hurt, and injustice is that it just turns to bitterness. It's not like you want it to, or you even know it is. It's like a weed that starts to grow and then take over, a vine that wraps itself around your very heart and turns it cold. As my heart grew colder, I did what anyone does - I bundled up - protecting myself with layers, and creating more and more distance from the people around me. It's a lonely place to be and it's exhausting. 

As God exposed my heart, He also showed me how my wounded heart, was hurting others too. I was so defensive, my words were sharp and quick. My reactions had become defensive, so worried about being hurt again - I would try to shut down or shut people out. I was making assumptions and questioning everyone's motives. My poor family was receiving the brunt of it all, hurting the ones I loved the most. 

God started bringing me to some scriptures like these one:

If you put yourself on a pedestal, thinking you have become a role model in all things religious, but you can’t control your mouth, then think again. Your mouth exposes your heart, and your religion is useless. James 1:26

But the things that come out of your mouth—your curses, your fears, your denunciations—these come from your heart, and it is the stirrings of your heart that can make you unclean. Matthew 15:18

I was now hearing from God loud and clear at our 5am coffee meetings, but now I just wanted to turn down the volume. One particular day, I heard Matthew 15:18 from two different radio programs that I just tuned into for a min, it was in my reading for the morning, and later from a conversation. I wanted to scream up to heaven "OK! OK! I GOT IT!" 

The great thing about God is that he doesn't just expose things and walk away for you to figure out how to handle them, He stays right there - from the pre-op, to surgery, to recovery, and even the physical therapy afterwards. He NEVER leaves us alone to deal with things - even things we got ourselves into. As I started truly laying down my hurts at His feet, he replaced those hurts with His word. With new eyes, and a melted heart - I was able to see scripture in new way. He has changed my mourning into dancing - the weeping night is gone and the joyous morning has come.

My words have become His words. I feel like my conversations are sweeter, and not so rough around the edges. The stressful mornings of getting kids out the door for school, have become easier. There's laughter in the house before 9am, instead of tears. Instead of giving my not so great wisdom or advice with the kids I find myself sharing scripture, or an example from the Bible. Those 5am mornings have become easier to get up to (some days are still hard), but now 30-45mins doesn't seem like enough time with the Lord. I am thankful He didn't give up on me, and I am so thankful for His life changing word! 

Is life still unfair? YOU BET! Do I still want justice? Or even an apology? Sure! Who doesn't? But is it worth my heart? Is it worth my relationships with family and friends? Is holding onto things I couldn't control worth God's silence? NO! 
*Let me say that God had never stop talking - I had just built such a big wall of hurt, and pain, and disappointment that I couldn't hear Him. 

This scripture has become my daily prayer - (OK - sometimes my hourly prayer) 

May the words that come out of my mouth and the musings of my heart meet with Your gracious approval, O Eternal, my Rock, O Eternal, my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Is everyday perfect? OH MY GOODNESS NO WAY! Not even on a good day, are all the moments right. I still have so much to learn, and so much to keep working on - it's a life in progress (THANK YOU GOD!). I will say I try to shut up faster, and apologize quicker, and let it go more often.

This commandment that I’m commanding you today isn’t too much for you, it’s not out of your reach. It’s not on a high mountain—you don’t have to get mountaineers to climb the peak and bring it down to your level and explain it before you can live it. And it’s not across the ocean—you don’t have to send sailors out to get it, bring it back, and then explain it before you can live it. No. The word is right here and now—as near as the tongue in your mouth, as near as the heart in your chest. Just do it! Deuteronomy 30:14 (The Message Bible)