Lessons learned from 2013

Last year I must admit at this time I was scared of 2013. Though we had a new place to live, a new job, and a new town - all I could remember is how bad 2012 was. A year full of unexpected loss, change, and upside down reason. I honestly just asked God to help me get through 2013 "OK". I kinda feel like I walked into 2013 with one eye open, hands out in front of me, slowly feeling my way around - just not wanting to trip or fall over. God knew my trepidation and wounded heart, and just poured out a year of blessing, mercy, healing, and rest - all of which I desperately needed. 

This year I've learned that God is faithful. Despite circumstances, man, and even my own choices - God is still faithful. He will never fail me, always keep His word - and His promises. When I truly trust Him, the world could crumble in around me, and I will still be OK. 

I've learned that God directs your path in ways you cannot understand - but there is always purpose and reason behind what He does. In the past couple of years I have seen God "connect-the-dots" of some people in our lives in life changing ways. Old friends from the past that have come back into our lives at just the right time - in just the right way. Just amazed and in awe of God's timing - it is always perfect - no doubt about it.

I've learned that grief is not something you can just "get over". Loss is painful, it's traumatic, and it can change you for the better or the worse. You can't ignore it, you can't push your way through it - you must walk through it and deal with it - so you can heal. Grief can be ugly and make you face some very ugly things about yourself and others, but it can also be beautiful and can open up your eyes to a whole new realm of beauty in the world. 

I've learned that forgiveness is a process, that requires a lot of letting go. Wounds that cut deep require the Great Physician. Only God can heal that kind of paralyzing pain. Forgiving does not mean you excuse behavior - it means you choose to heal instead of hurt. 

I've learned that God isn't finished with me yet. That even though I a mess inside and out, have a thousand things to work on, I fail, and pretty much trip over my own two feet daily - God still has a plan for my life. As long as I have breath to breathe, I am needed on this earth. 

I've learned that hope is a beautiful and a scary thing. Allowing myself to look forward, to hope again and to dream again is a pretty terrifying and exciting thing at the same time. 2014 comes with lots of anticipation, ideas, and faith that with God in control - I can face whatever comes my way. I'm walking into 2014 with eyes open - I don't want to miss a thing! 

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14

Hope and a Boat

Christmas and hope seem to go together. There is a sense of anticipation, children hoping for that special gift under the tree, parents hoping for that holiday bonus. Others are looking forward to vacation time, or maybe family coming into town. Even the nativity story is full of hope and excitement. This season there are a few more smiles, cheery music, and people seem to go out of their way to do something nice for someone else. Or at least that's what the Hallmark movie tells us (btw I have nothing against Hallmark Christmas movies). 

Now imagine you are in a sailboat in the middle of the ocean, the wind is quiet, the water is still. It's dark, clouds cover the moon only allowing a little light at a time. You are alone on this boat, not another boat or person in sight - adrift at sea. You've tried to raise the sails, you've tried to row your way to shore, you've yelled for help so long you've lost your voice. You've given up on being rescued.  You're exhausted, and all you see around you is a sea of impossibility. You sit there waiting to die, surviving only by the will of life - the very sound of silence is becoming too loud. That is a picture of lost hope - and I've been there. At times it didn't even seem like I was in a boat, more like I was just treading water, wondering when my legs would give out. The idea of just sinking into the abyss becomes more and more attractive and feels like the only way I would ever find rest. It's a scary place to loose hope, but it does happen - and sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep "surviving" you just can't keep it up anymore. When you are in that place you could be in a room surrounded by a hundred people, and yet you feel all alone.

As a Christian it's a hard place to be. You not only are suffering from this hopelessness that feels like it's swallowing you alive - but you are wrestling with the guilt of what all your Christian friends are saying. Like Job's friends who had an answer for all of Job's suffering. You are questioning everything - your salvation, God's existence, your purpose, your very reason for being alive. Some people around you look down at you - tell you to have "more faith" - others wonder (some out loud) what sin you won't let go of.  The weight of guilt and regret weighs you down - and nothing seems fair. 

Whatever the reason for you being in this place, you need to know that you are not a "bad" person for being there, and you are not the only one that has been there. Too many plastic faces and painted smiles have given this false reality that everything and everyone is "fine" - when the truth is they are not. How can we live in a fallen world, surrounded by tragedy and pain and all be "fine"? We all struggle with stuff - and sometimes that stuff becomes so great that it knocks the very wind out of our sails. 

Let me tell you right now YOU ARE NOT ALONE! No matter how far you feel, how empty and lost, how dark the sky - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Jesus was in the boat with the disciples - and HE IS WITH YOU TOO! And if you could see through the dark and the fog you would see so many others in their own boats drifting too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So here's some things I want to share with you about how I battle this. I don't claim that these are the be all end all answers - but I will tell you they have helped me. 

1) Don't be afraid to ask for help
 This means you have to admit you need help and I know that is hard to do. I am all about "doing it myself" since I was probably three years old. But this you cannot do alone. Go see your doctor, sit down and just share what you're feeling. If you can't do it - ask a friend to go with you. Other people around us see a lot more than we do about ourselves, and a good friend will be a true mirror and tell you what they really see. Your doctor is a good place to start.

2) Start talking 
Find a counselor, preferably a Christian counselor - there are low cost and sometimes free offices, don't let $ be the deciding factor. Sometimes even your insurance will help pay the cost. You need to find someone who is a professional you can just unload on without any question of repercussion or judgement. Call a church, ask if they have counseling - if you aren't sure where to start. This is important for your wellbeing - silence makes it worse.

3) Pray
Yep - I went there. How do you pray when you feel like no one is listening? Or you're pretty mad at God right now for where you are at? Just do it. Praying isn't about be eloquent, or fancy, or even really having to make sense. Praying is communicating - and if right now the only way you can communicate is yelling - then do it. God can handle it - He can take it. What if you haven't spoken to Him in years? Doesn't matter. God has been sitting by the phone waiting for you to call since the day you hung up. He hasn't changed His number and He's not going anywhere. If you can't talk, then write it. Just like you'd write a letter - either hand written or type on the computer. He's waiting, and He's listening. 

4)Soak in the Word
God's word is powerful. It speaks to a place so deep we sometimes aren't even aware it's there - until we need it again. Read the Psalms - but find a more contemporary translation like "The Message", or the "The Voice". These newer more modern translation just bring the Psalms to a more conversational perspective. David's complaints, his praises, and his woes seem very relatable. I'm not saying these are the only version to ever read - I'm just saying find a translation that helps you. What if you reading is too hard right now? Then listen to the audio - play it while you are sleeping, or doing housework, driving - working on something. Here's a great Bible website I use that has a ton of translations and audio http://www.biblegateway.com  God's word will revive your worn out heart, and it will seep down into those dark places. And when that one verse leaps out at you - write it down- post it on your wall. Hold on to those promises - because God's word does not return void! Moses, David, Samuel all reminded God of what His word said - and you can do that too. When you start to feel like there is NO future - you go back and read Jeremiah 29:11 - God promises you a HOPE and a FUTURE! 

5)Don't isolate yourself 
It's so easy to become a hermit, to think that you don't want to burden others with your sadness. You don't feel very sociable, so what's the point? The Bible says Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18. We need each other, for encouragement, for accountability, for help. When Saul went after David he ran and hid in the caves, but God didn't let him be there alone. He sent others that were "outcasts" - and they found a way to help each other. Remember that we are all broken - some are just better at hiding it than others. 

6)Play uplifting music
When I'm down it's amazing what a difference some uplifting music can do to help me. I'm partial to Christian music - because of the truth of Christ, and the hope of the scriptures. I don't recommend country, it tends to drag me down - all the heartbreaking, losing your truck, your dog, your wife. Even if you don't feel like singing, or listening - or you just want to crawl in bed, pull the covers over your head and sleep the day away - play music. It's funny how much we soak in without even knowing.  Here's a great song that speak truth and hope 

7)Don't be afraid to dream
When you experience uncontrollable circumstances that knock you off your feet - it's hard to stand up again. Even when you do finally stand you don't quite trust your footing anymore. You are kinda waiting for the next earthquake, with one eye shut - bracing yourself for the next "bad thing". It's hard to look forward when you're so busy just trying to remember to breathe. But without a future we have no direction, no reason to keep going. I will admit it is scary to dream again - it is scary to put a little hope into an unknown future, especially when you realize how quickly life can change. But you have a God who loves you, and as Hebrews 13:8 says "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Though your circumstances may change - GOD WILL NOT. Set little goals, maybe just a few things for the day or the week - with a reward at the end. Something to look forward to creates hope and though hope is scary, we need hope! "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12a 

8)Help someone else
I know this seems like an impossible task. That getting up some days is a challenge -and getting dressed and showered that day is a feat on its own. But I'm not asking you to lead a Bible study or go adopt ten children from Africa - helping someone doesn't have to be that big. Maybe it's just taking the shopping cart back for that mom struggling with her toddler and groceries, or maybe it's sending a card to someone you know who lost a loved one - and just saying "I understand". Maybe it's holding the door for the widow, or smiling at the tired bank teller, or maybe just paying for the car behind you in the drive-thru window. When you help someone else it puts a crack in those dark clouds, gives a little wind to those sails. It doesn't have to be much, but as you start to look outside yourself - you will begin to heal. 

I wish I could say it will all be OK - but I can't. Or that one day you will wake up and it will all be better-but I can't. I do want you to know that even if you can't see the shoreline - it's there. Somedays will be great, and some not. It's a daily challenge to fix your mind on the right things: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8

If you need prayer - I will pray for you! Prayer is powerful and we need each other to pray. I need your prayers! In fact I covet them! This world is too hard to walk alone, and no matter where you are we can pray for each other! 

Friend, please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE - THERE IS HOPE - and as long as you have breath in your lungs - GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU here on earth. Hold on - the wind will blow again, and your boat will move again! 

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For theLord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Special

I have this cup, it's actually a tea cup and saucer, that is blue and white with gold accents. A dear friend of mine gave to me as gift, over 20 years ago - after he had come back from a missions trip to Russia. I'm sure the blue and white building on the tea cup is Russian, but I have no idea what it is. It is my favorite cup in the house. Some of the gold as worn off (or sparked off when accidentally put in the microwave). The saucer has a small chip in it, and the blue paint is definitely worn - but I don't care it's still my favorite cup. When I fill this tea cup with hot cocoa, or hot tea I immediately feel better. When I carry the delicate cup and saucer to the table or a comfy chair I feel dainty, special, important - like the Downton Abbey ladies sitting down for afternoon tea (even though I still have yesterday's makeup on my morning face and my ugly-comfy sweatpants). This little cup and saucer transports this tired, worn out, mother of 3, who desperately needs a shower,  and a full time cleaning crew - to a special place.

How can this little cup and saucer do something so magical? I think it's because of the gift. I am not a dainty, fragile, girly-girl. Even 20 years ago when this gift was given I didn't give off that impression. I've always stood toe to toe, shoulder to shoulder with the guys - and not been afraid to get my hands "dirty". I don't take a lot of time out for myself, spa days are not on my agenda, even getting my nails done or pedicures seems like a waste of time and money to me. But this little cup and saucer makes me feel like I should take time. It makes me pause in the middle of my mess and enjoy a moment, savor a second - breathe.  I guess to me this gift has always said "Take time", "You're worth it", "You deserve to feel special". I have never had a discussion about it with the giver - but irregardless that's the message I got from it. You may just see a cup and saucer - but I see a neon sign blinking "YOU ARE SPECIAL!!".

I wonder how many gifts we miss everyday that God has put in front of us. Gifts that he has given to say "You are special!"- gifts that shout "I LOVE YOU!" and we walk by and see nothing but an old cup and a chipped saucer. Every sunrise, every sunset is unique and different - beautiful, bold, colorful - all for the creator to show his creation how much He cares. Every snowflake he allows to fall from heaven is unrepeatable - distinct in its' own beauty. Every song a bird sings is new and fresh, notes never heard until that moment. All of creation is a blinking neon sign screaming "YOU ARE SPECIAL!"

So take a moment, have a cup of tea (or hot cocoa) - and enjoy your gift - you're worth it!

Every good gift bestowed, every perfect gift received comes to us from above, courtesy of the Father of lights. He is consistent. He won’t change His mind or play tricks in the shadows.

James 1:17

(the Voice)

Disappointments

In my 30 something years of living I have come across many disappointments in my lifetime. Some were minor, and others major life changers. The minor ones I was able to let go of and move on, the major ones - well not so much. When you have been let down, failed, hurt, crushed, or lost someone or something it hurts - and it hurts deep. Disappointments are a part of life but it is how we choose to handle them that makes all the difference in the world. We can become jaded, bitter, and cold-hearted, loosing sight of what God has for our lives. We can grip it tightly, or we can choose to let it go - and let God deal with it. These choices shape us, and change us - for the better or the worse.

This year I have been hit with an overwhelming amount of disappointments, heartache, and hurt.  I can honestly tell you I have struggled with what to do with all the emotions and baggage that comes with that. Whenever I am dealing with something I don't have an answer for I turn to the scriptures. Something my grandparents taught me when I was little - because I had a lot of questions - and they didn't have all the answers, but they knew the ONE who did. So I started searching the scriptures for someone who didn't just have a "bad day" but a series of bad events.  Of course there was Job, and I can tell you I understand that book even better now. But it was really the story of Joseph, in Genesis 37-50, that resonated loud and clear in my life.

If ever there was a man who had "permission" to be jaded or bitter it would Joseph. In Genesis 37 we see a boy who was favored by his dad, but not by his brothers - in fact his brothers hated him so much they planned to kill him and throw him in a pit. One brilliant brother decided that selling him as a slave made more sense (go figure) and so in one short afternoon he went from beloved son and brother to a no-named slave for sale to the highest bidder. I can't imagine the thoughts of hurt, loss and disappointment that went through his mind. The questions of "Why?" and "How?" that he asked God over and over. His own family rejected him, sold him out, and on top of that were telling his father a LIE to cover up what they did. His whole life was turned upside down, those he trusted let him down - he was homeless, alone and at the mercy of strangers.

Joseph had all the right in the world to become bitter, angry, and resentful - but he didn't.  20 Years later after being a slave, unjustly accused and imprisoned, promised help and forgotten, he was finally recognized for his faith, and leadership - and placed as the ruler of Egypt by the Pharaoh himself.  When Joseph got to see his brothers again after 20 years, he had a choice - and this was what he chose:

But Joseph replied, "Don't be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don't be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children." So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them. Genesis 50:19-21

I have to be honest and say I'm not sure I would have had the same reaction. How could someone who had been through as much as he had speak "kindly" to his brothers? I don't think Joseph got there quickly, in fact I'm pretty sure the years of serving, and solitude in prison gave him a lot of time to think  and pray and pray some more. When the world gets knocked out from under you - you land on your knees. 

The bible says that the Lord was with Joseph, He never left him - and He never leaves us either, even in our disappointments. He can handle our questions, our fears and even our anger. And He can take all of that and use it to mold and shape us - but only if we let Him. The choice Joseph made was one of looking outward, instead of inward. We must choose every day of our lives to not be so focused on all we've lost, but on all we have gained. Our purpose here is not just for ourselves but for those around us, and when we walk in that we let go of us and get ahold of HIM. 

I am by no means saying that I have achieved this - every day I have to let it go, lay it down, and look around at what I have, and the reason I am here. Grieving what you lost is important, and that does require an inward focus, but healing comes when you can look outside your pain and into others.

Only by His strength!

Finding My Voice Again

I love to sing. I love music. I was singing maybe before I was walking. I could turn just about anything into a microphone, and a stage. Mom had me singing at nursing homes, restaurants, in school, in church, and anywhere else anyone would listen. As I grew up and my relationship with the Lord deepened and changed, my love for music and songs, and songwriting did too. I realized the power of music, and words - and the ministry it has to others.

When my brother, Ashley, died my mother asked me to sing at the funeral. I didn't know HOW I was going to do that, but I knew that I needed to. I have sung at many funerals, they are not my favorite place to sing. I have come to realize over the years it is my way of being able to minister to the family involved. In the past few years I have sung at a couple really tragic funerals, young children. These funerals were so difficult, I prayed for strength for every word, every note. I knew that the words of the songs were so important to bring healing, and love. Now I had to sing at my own family's funeral, and I couldn't even begin to think it through. Usually the family will request a certain song, and I am very willing to follow their request. Mom didn't have a song, she said whatever I did would be just right. I struggled and prayed and for a song. Every word was different now - every note was louder.

It really wasn't until 2am the night before the funeral that I settled on one. I went down to the hotel lobby that morning to print out the words, because I knew I would need them. We had the viewing first, and then the service - it was harder than I could ever imagined. Edwin (my husband) was giving the eulogy, and we both were white-knuckled-holding-on-with-everything-to-Jesus, that afternoon. I sang "It Is Well", a capella. Knowing that the man that wrote that song wrote it in his grief, after his daughter's drowned, gave me solace. Only by the very strength and grace of God did I get through. It was by faith alone I could stand there with tears streaming down face and sing "It is well with my soul".

 Somewhere after the funeral I lost my voice. I didn't literally loose my voice, I could still sing - but I lost the will to sing, and the love for music. The Christian radio which we played 24/7 in our house and car was just piercing noise to me. I couldn't listen. Choir practice and worship hurt my heart so bad I could barely stand it. Words and songs that I had sung just a month earlier with all I had in me - I could barely utter the words. Everything felt different, it sounded different, the words were now all different - I was different. I can honestly say that it wasn't that I didn't believe those songs anymore, but my perspective on them changed. Words like "faith", "trial", "burden", "hope", "heaven", "hell" - they all had a tangible meaning now. I had to find my voice again.

So here's a few things I've learned and am still learning about singing and more importantly worship.

• I learned that it was OK to worship God with my sadness, with all my tears, my hurt, and my pain - for the world to see. 

Ecclesiastes 3 says: "There is a time for everything,and a season for every activity under the heavens:a time to weep and a time to laugh,a time to mourn and a time to dance,"

People need to see not just our laughing and our dancing, but our sadness too- it makes us real.

Even Jesus wept, or mourned - and people were moved by that.
John 11:35-36 Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

God wasn't showing me that I couldn't be happy, or that I should spend my worship time lamenting in sorrow - but just to be real.

My brokenness will minister to people, and myself, far more than my pride ever will.

• I learned to worship God in silence. 

I didn't have to have the top 20 Klove worship songs playing, a cool guitar riff, or even me singing - I can worship Him in silence.

In fact sometimes I've been so concerned over how great the music sounds, or even how I sound that I couldn't hear his still small voice. I needed to shut everything up, and listen.

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 King 19:11-12

• I was reminded who the worship was for. 

David appointed some of the Levites to be ministers before the ark of the Lord, to celebrate the Lord God of Israel, and to give thanks and praise to Him. 1 Chronicles 16:4

Worship wasn't about me, it wasn't for the congregation, it wasn't to fill in space before the sermon - it was FOR GOD, TO GOD, and ABOUT GOD. (Sometimes I think we say that but we don't really live that)

• Worship is powerful!

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly place. Ephesians 6:12

When you are in the throes of grief, depression and sadness can overtake you.

When I realized that the songs I am singing aren't for me - they are for Christ and as I sing about how faithful He is, and how thankful I am - His presence fills my sadness - and the enemy has no place to be.

It's OK to hurt, it's OK to be in pain - Satan wants to leave you there alone - God wants to join you - right where you are.


 God started me on this journey the day I sang at Ashley's funeral. It's a journey I'm still on. I can sing again, with the radio - and even on Sundays. But Worship isn't a song, it's not even music - worship isn't about the lighting, a guitar, a horn, or even an organ. Worship is realizing how broken we are, and how perfect He is - in every moment of every day of our lives.

But an hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth. Yes, the Father wants such people to worship Him. God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” John 4:23-24

Walking Through The Darkest Valley

"Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."

I never had a true concept of what the "darkest valley" really was until April 1, 2012. In the very early morning hours I got a phone call that shook my very foundation. My 29 year old brother, Ashley, had died in a cave diving accident. He had been diving with some of his buddies at Weeki Wachee Springs, in Florida, on March 31st and had an embolism under water that took his life. My beautiful brother was gone, and our family was shattered.

I spoke to my parents briefly and hung up the phone trying to make sense of something that made no sense at all. So many emotions flooded my heart and my mind, questions I would never get answers to, and pain so deep I could barely breathe. I didn't know who to call, what to say, how to handle - I was at a loss. Edwin held me as I cried, we cried together. I called my sister, we cried some more. I called a family friend, a few people from church, and cried some more. My dearest friend was on her way home from India and I couldn't reach her, that made me cry some more.

It was a Sunday and Edwin had to be at service in a few hours - I tried to sleep but I just cried. It was April 1st, Liam (our youngest) very first birthday - and I didn't, couldn't even begin to think of celebrating. I thought how in just a month Ashley would have been 30, and now we wouldn't be celebrating that. I cried some more. At some point the sun came up and morning came, but in my mind I didn't understand why the sun would even rise - not today. Edwin left for church, and we decided not to tell the kids until he came home - just too hard for me to deal with their loss and mine by myself.

Liam cuddled with me in bed as my tears spilled on his little head. The little guy never even got to meet his uncle Ashley. A thousand regrets went through my mind, a million wishes I will never have. The other two awoke, surprised we weren't going to church but happy to have the morning free. They could see I was upset, and asked - I told them I was "OK" and we'd talk about it when dad got home. It was the longest 4 hours. I was thankful for the distraction of TV for the kids and sleepy baby. The whole world seemed so far away, alone is almost not enough of a word to describe the feeling - it was the deepest, darkest valley.

The next week was chaos, and unbelievably painful. We drove to Florida, where my parents, grandparents, and sister and her family were headed as well. I watched my parents age right before my eyes. My grandparents, who were the strongest people I know, suddenly became frail. I saw my aunts, cousins, and family friends in a place of sadness I had never seen. I told my sister I loved her a thousand times, wishing I could say it a thousand more. I held onto scripture like never before, gripping so tight my hands hurt. Somehow we made it through a viewing, funeral, an obituary,his friends and our family and those worlds colliding, and an awful long drive back to Virginia (with sick kids).

I was spent, lost, hurting, exhausted, and in pain. My world flipped over, and what seemed so big and important, didn't matter anymore. I can only describe my pain like a really bad burn - that burned deep, stung, and radiated heat. The kind of pain that is so bad that it's consuming. In the beginning I functioned because I had to, my kids needed me to, Edwin needed me to - but I did it with almost a robotic feel - overwhelmed with so much hurt and pain. Food didn't taste good, TV seemed worthless, life was different - because it was different.

When you are in a deep, dark valley - your perspective changes. Sunlight hurts your eyes, darkness becomes your friend. Not darkness like evil, more like emptiness - a nothingness. In the dark no one sees you crying, in the dark you can scream and no one can hear, in the deep, dark you don't have to deal with the rest of the world's problems - because you can't. Being in a deep, dark valley means you have face some deep, dark things - but that may not be all bad. Sometimes we need to stop, and change focus - and see what really is important. In a deep, dark valley it becomes very quiet, and you can listen - to your heart, and to God's heart too.

I'm still walking through this valley, but I am not afraid because I know HE is close beside me.

The One to Count On

"I am counting on the LORD; yes, I am counting on him. I have put my hope in his word." Psalm 130:5

There's not a lot to count on these days. Car break down, favorite restaurants shut down, even gas prices can't stay down. In this time of presidential campaigns and lots of promises we hesitate to even believe what is being said. We live in a fallen world, where people, places, and things let us down - BUT GOD WILL NOT, and has not - we can count on Him!

The older I get the more precious the Bible has become to me. The sweet promises of the Lord, the love letters of truth, peace, and life. I am learning to hold them closer to my heart. When I am disheartened by this world and it's disappointments, all I have to do is turn the pages of my bible and see how dependable and powerful my God is to me. Time and time again I read of how He delivered His people, He loved his people, He blessed his people. Always keeping his promises, and always faithful (even when His people were not).

I don't have the greatest memory, and can't always quote it word for word, but how thankful I am that it is God's precious word that comes to my mind when the lies of the enemy whisper in my ears. His Word is powerful - use it, read it, devour it, soak it in - and never let it go! God's promises are true!

A Difference

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tables of the Testimony in his hand, he did not know that the skin of his face shone and sent forth beams by reason of his speaking with the Lord. Exodus 34:29 (Amp Bible)


Wow this scripture challenged me! Moses was in the presence of God - and people could see it. It made me wonder - do people see something in me after I've spent time with the Lord? Do they see it when I don't? Not a fake smile, not a hyped up attitude - but a genuine change in my countenance.

If I am truly seeking the Lord, I will find Him - and He will find me. I want to sit in His presence until there is a change, in my thinking, in my speaking, in my spirit, in my very appearance. How about you?

Support

Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. Exodus 17:12

I think it is rather comical to start a blog called "Resting In Him" right before having a baby - which as we all know is the opposite of resting EVER again... LOL - Seriously I want to apologize for not getting to my blog - it has been way too long - but the only thing on my lap the last few months has been a newborn - not a laptop. He is finally sleeping through the night - which means - I have a little bit of time before I do the same... maybe.

I was thinking tonight of a dear friend of mine - one that has seen me through some major ups and downs of my life. How she could still stand to be friend after seeing the good, bad, and the ugly sides of me - I will never understand - but I am so grateful she has! This brought me to think about this scripture in Exodus - about Moses and his friends. Moses needed help - and his friends became the support he needed to accomplish the battle that was being fought.

The Israelites and the Amalekites were fighting - and Moses' job was to keep his staff up. When he kept his staff up - the Israelites had the advantage - when his arms dropped - the Amalekites began to succeed. I am sure at first this wasn't difficult - no problem - he could do this - that doesn't seem so hard. But as time went on and the day grew longer - this simple job became harder and harder, and Moses grew tired. I don't see in scripture where he yelled for help, or complained so loud someone heard him, or threatened to give up if someone didn't take over - but what I do see are two friends that saw he was tired.

The scripture says Aaron and Hur found Moses a rock to sit on - they knew first and foremost Moses needed a firm, solid foundation to rest on - not a lazy boy - not a sleeper sofa - not a rocking chair - but a ROCK - something that would hold him and be solid for him to sit on. We need friends who leads us to THE ROCK - who don't try to cushion our fall - but steady our stand. We don't need anyone's opinion, advice, or suggestions - we need GOD - HIS WORD, HIS OPINION, HIS TRUTHS.

Aaron and Hur didn't stop there - they came up on either side of Moses and held up his hands - they became his support system. Funny, they didn't become his cheerleaders - cheering him on from the crowd. They didn't become his coach - telling him what he needs to do better. They didn't become his teacher - grading him on his conduct or behavior. They became his support - they came ALONGSIDE - they were willing to take on the burden WITH HIM - they were willing to GET IN THE FIGHT. I don't think holding Moses' arms was a glamorous job either- I can only imagine he was pretty sweaty and hot, and as far as I know - deodorant was not invented yet (I know a little gross - but just keeping real here). As a friend we have to be willing to deal with the not so pretty side (or smelly side) of each other too. Moses was exhausted, he was desperate, and he needed help - and Aaron and Hur came to his side.

We all need a support system - we all need friends who are willing to dig in, come along side,
hold us up and bear the load of the battle we are fighting. When we go through battles that require so much strength - it makes us weak - it is in those times we find some incredible friends - like Aaron and Hur. I am grateful for friends like that - and I am challenged to become one too!!

Not Guilty

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus. Romans 3:23-26


When I was growing up I was sure God had a great big hammer and was just waiting for me to mess up so he could bop me on my head and "let me have it". Even after asking Jesus in my heart at the age of 8yrs old, and understanding that my name was "written in the book of life" - I had this idea that every time I sinned He took out his big pink eraser and erased my name. My greatest fear was what if He erased so many times that it just made a big hole - and He couldn't write it back. I can't tell you how many years I cried myself to sleep, hoping that God heard my "I'm sorrys" and I didn't forget anything on my list of sins for the day. I lived in such fear of this GREAT BIG GOD that I couldn't get close enough to Him to really experience His love and forgiveness.

I have to tell you that living like that is exhausting, you are always looking over your shoulder - worried you've finally did the "unpardonable sin" (which you had no idea what that was - but was SURE you would), and always thinking the reason your day went bad was because God was punishing you again. There was never any rest in Christ, no soft place - no peace - just guilt, condemnation, and unhealthy fear. It becomes so overwhelming that you either give up, or live a lie - pretending it's all good on the outside - when inside you are dying.

It wouldn't be until much later as an adult that I began to understand the mercy and grace of God. That I could comprehend His forgiveness - that covered ALL my sin, past - present - and future. And that God had forgiven me BEFORE I had even asked - He made a way - before I even knew I needed a way. That he was not holding any hammer waiting for me fail, He was not sending lighting to strike me, and there was no big pink eraser in His hand.

How could a God who sees all that I have done, and knows all I will do - love ME? Forgive me? Want me? These were questions I really struggled with, and at times I still do. I don't deserve His love, I don't deserve His forgiveness, and I truly don't deserve His presence. But that's not WHY He does it all - it's HIS LOVE that covers over a multitude of sins - it's HIS LOVE that holds me close - it's HIS LOVE. Each of us is a well thought out creation - He didn't make you or me because He needed to add one more person on this earth - He made us because HE WANTS US - He DESIRES a relationship with You - and with me. And When sin came between us - He took his beloved son to pay the cost - HIS ONLY SON - to be the payment for our sin. That's not a God who is mad at you - that is a God who LOVES YOU.

The only hammer that God is holding in His hand - is the judges gavel that He strikes down - as He declares you NOT GUILTY! LOVE PAID THE PRICE FOR MERCY!

- I love these lyrics and this song - I pray that it ministers to you - like it does to me!

NOT GUILTY - MANDISA
I stand accused
There's a list a mile long
Of all my sins
Of everything that I've done wrong
I'm so ashamed
There's nowhere left for me to hide
This is the day
I must answer for my life
My fate is in the Judge's hands
But then he turns to me and says

I know you
I love you
I gave My life to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict not guilty

How can it be?
I can't begin to comprehend
What kind of grace
Would take the place for all my sin?

I stand in awe
Now that I have been set free
And the tears well up
As I look at that cross
'Cause it should've been me

My fate was in the nail scarred hands
He stretched them out for me and said

CHORUS

I'm falling on my knees to thank You
With everything I am I'll praise You
So grateful for the words I heard You say

CHORUS